Thursday, February 20, 2014

The One Where I Break Up with My Boob

Dear Right Breast,

As we prepare to go our separate ways tomorrow morning, there are a few things I want to say about our relationship:

1. It's not me, it's you.  Look, I don't blame you for trying to kill me.  It's not your fault things went a little haywire in there.  I'm sure it wasn't malicious.  Everyone makes mistakes, but this relationship isn't working for me any longer, and I think it's best to make a clean break.

2.  Despite everything, I'm grateful for our time together.  We both know you were never going to get me any modeling contracts or movie deals, but you did serve nature's purpose until this point, holding up strapless dresses and feeding our child.  So that was pretty cool of you. 

3.  I'm not going to miss you.  I don't mean to be harsh, and please don't take this personally.  It's just that I don't feel my femininity is tied to your presence, and frankly, after how you've been behaving lately, all I've been doing is obsessing about what's gone wrong.  We both know that's not healthy for either of us.  

4.  I won't be looking back.  Strange as it will be to get on the plane and return home without you, I realize that leaving you behind is a necessary step for my own well being.  Sometimes a girl just has to be a little selfish, right?

5.  I fully intend to replace you.  I swear it isn't to make you jealous.  It's just that since we clearly aren't compatible for the long term, I figure it's only fair that I seek out something better.  After all you've put me through, it's time to focus on me.  I'm sure you understand. 

As we come to the end of our time together, I thank you for your service and for all that you've taught me.  Frankly, without your little transgression, I might not have come to recognize just how strong I am.  I certainly wouldn't have been humbled to tears by the outpouring of support from a vast network of beautiful people lifting me up in their hearts and prayers.  For each friendship that has been strengthened, rekindled or started anew though this journey, my very DNA has been changed for the better, and for that I am so incredibly honored and grateful.  

I also have to acknowledge what a powerful kick in the pants you've delivered in the past few months. If you hadn't gone off the deep end, I probably wouldn't have been shocked into submission to live the healthiest version of myself, and I might not have gained such a deep appreciation for good health or fully accepted my responsibility to care for the body I've been given.  

So while it isn't going to work out for the two of us, please know I don't wish you any ill will.  You, like all things in my life, were put here for a reason and I appreciate all you've done.  

Now please pack up all of your dysfunction and be on your way, my friend.  

God bless.


Anonymous said...

Ya know, breasts are the great companions the world makes them out to be. They get lazy, go radical causing someone to have to squish them for pictures every year, and worst of all, they NEVER stay in the place they were meant to be. :) P.S. I sent you an email. Terri

Anonymous said...

Meant to say are NOT the great companions....

Anonymous said...

You are so inspiring ....and entertaining! Cheers to the best breakup ever! - Dorsey

Anonymous said...

Sorry that I have not been keeping up with email but prayers are with you and Dave. Glad to hear that breaking up ain't so hard to do! Love you...healing hands upon you. Aunt Debbie

Jason said...

Hope everything went well with the surgery and are now recovering.

Anonymous said...

Praying for speedy healing and peace. �� Jen and Chris

Anonymous said...

Hopeing for some great news

Anonymous said...

That was truly amazing to read! What a wonderful perspective you have on this situation and I pray for only the best!

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