Thursday, August 26, 2010

Do you think it's a worm?

Do you ever find yourself dwelling on the possibility that a parasite may have invaded your skin, infiltrated your organs and is now just waiting to strike and take you DOWN?

Do you look at your pets and see not a furry friend but a possible carrier of disease and death?

Do you have a new found terror that scary things are living in the soil just waiting to take you on as their host?



Well, good for you because apparently you haven't watched this:

(Sidebar: More evidence my cat is plotting to kill me? You decide.)

Yes, I recently stumbled upon "Monsters Inside Me" on the Animal Planet. Now, I know I shouldn't be watching this stuff (see previous post references to the ban on all animal programming in our house), but like a rubbernecker, I sometimes just can't help myself, and before I know it, I'm sucked in, completely grossed out and my skin is starting to crawl. Look, I know I should change the channel. But...I...can't. I'm too afraid. I have to watch because what if I miss something that could save my life? (Yes, really, I know I have issues).

And now I'm paying the price for my lack of judgment with a new sense of hypochondriacal paranoia about parasites. Case in point: I stepped on something sharp last night while outside playing fetch with the dog, and I can't help but obsess over whether an evil microbe was waiting in the dirt and has now invaded my body. This morning when I felt the stabbing pain of an eyelash in my eye, there was actually a moment when I panicked that it might be one of those nasty things that crawl across your retina. BwaarAHGH! (No, that's not a scientific parasite name - it's actually the sound of every cell in my body twitching in revulsion). I mean, people DIE from this stuff!

So for now I see two options (in addition to possible therapy now that I know the strongyloides exists):

1. Either the networks QUIT IT already with all of this scare tactic programming (from Shark Week to the Apocalypse scenarios of "It Could Happen Tomorrow" to "Monsters Inside Me," they're making an already fear-prone society even more wacked). Or

2. I summon a little willpower and stop watching this crap.

But let's face it, neither of these scenarios is likely to ever happen, so we're left with a third, more feasible option:

3. Dave gets fed up with my inability to change the channel (and subsequent night terrors) and has the Animal Planet blocked from our cable package.

Something tells me I'll be missing a station come tomorrow night.

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